Oh, brilliance! I've had the dvds for a few weeks now for the three part TV series This Emotional Life, produced by PBS. The series is broken up into three, two hour apiece specials - Family, Friends & Lovers, Facing our Fears and Rethinking Happiness.
I've just rocked out part one on relationships and I am on a total high (I realize that it takes a special kind of passion to watch a two hour documentary dissecting relationships and be on a high, so just be patient with me here). The series is thoughtful, scholarly and full of amazing perspectives; and the reality is, we cannot exist in a bubble - we are humans in relationship, and the more we do to understand what those dynamics mean, the more we are doing to cultivate our own experiences and realities (not to mention those of the people impacted by us...).
The special covers so very many areas, each hitting home for a variety of reasons...
It starts off by talking about attachment, specifically attachment disorders - and researcher Seth Pollak who lives here in Madison and does stellar work in the area at UW Madison. This section focuses on the impact of attachment on children who are adopted, specifically international adoptions. As someone who has worked with internationally adopted children, and who loves people dearly who are in the process of adopting as I write this, I was elated to see an awareness of the struggles involved so clearly described. If you are connected to adoption in any way, I would highly recommend watching this section at the very least!
Then the special goes on to talk more about attachment and the impact of early attachment on parents and babies alike - specifically the release of the hormone oxytocin related to the rewards of connecting and attaching to others - good brain stuff. And highly relevant at the moment, as I think about (and try not to be neurotic about) the attachment Paul and I are currently building and will continue to build every minute to our growing little lady!
Next comes a series on aspergers, and for anyone who hasn't known or loved someone personally, this is wonderful summary of how the disorder impacts everyday social functioning and relationships. I think it was best stated by one of the psychiatrists interviewed on the subject, who said, "people with aspergers learn about the world, but not about how to be in the world." The work such individuals have to put into every single day astounds me, and brings with it a wealth of respect and admiration.
Ooooh and then next came friends! This section was possibly my favorite. Social and organizational psychologists dissected the chronic state of loneliness many adults exist in - frankly, because relationships are rewarding but they are also difficult and exhausting, causing many people to choose the option of jumping ship when push comes to shove. I feel that I am starting to see this profound impact in my generation - in our late twenties, we're no longer in these safe academic, social communities that inherently create community - and when we're forced to do the work involved ourselves, it becomes too much, too labor intensive, and people get to the place where the benefits do not outweigh the costs involved. The point the psychologists kept coming back to in this case is that although we seek harmony in relationship, conflict is unavoidable, because people in relationship both want to lead - sometimes in opposite directions. And, ultimately, conflict can be a good thing - the most important, healthiest lesson we can learn is to go towards the conflict (whoa, and isn't that a fun fun lesson to learn when you grew up in a passive aggressive household). As stated in the series, "it is in the conflict that we really capture the differences in perspective that are the reason we're in a group in the first place." Yes yes yes!
Next came a section on bullying (and my consequent triggering about how the heck to raise a healthy kid in today's society...) and then a final section on, of course, lovers. Ah, the intimate relationship. So here comes my last lecture - why oh why do we not require some sort of relationship counseling that spells out the fact in advance for life-long partners that the relationship will be hard work?!? As they succinctly stated the problem here, we are enculturated to learn that falling in love is easy, but somehow we miss the message that staying in love takes work - basically, when the passion has to turn into some sort of partnership. As described here, a happy intimate relationship requires lust, laughter and loyalty - and when any of the three are missing, the relationship suffers.
I have spent a great deal of time and money trying to learn enough to understand just a bit of these intricacies of relationships (and am reminded each month that not only do I still have sooo much more to learn, I will also continue to pay for the knowledge I do have for many years, ah joy...). Do yourself a favor and take two hours to absorb this summary of the impact - good and bad - of relating to others. It's not like it's something that can be played off as irrelevant. Truth.
So, yeah. Looks like I got a little carried away in my promotion here. But seriously, check it out. Because, as this episode closes, "whether we like it or not, our happiness is in each others' hands."
(Stay tuned for results from the next two episodes - I can't even wait!)
1 comment:
Definitely want to watch the one on attachment and adoption! That's something I've been pondering a lot lately. Love you lady! Missed reading your posts in the last few weeks...
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